“Gillian, I’m obsessed with my ex boyfriend and he seems over me!” That was the gist of an email I received the other day. Beyond the fact that it’s heartbreaking to know that this lovely woman still loves her ex and he’s moved on, it’s difficult to know that she’s unsure of what to do. Typically after a break up women do one thing and one thing only, they obsess. They think about their ex non-stop, they plot ways to get him back and then they use methods that almost always backfire, leaving the relationship more of a mess than it was before. I know it’s hard to think clearly when you feel that the love of your life has left for good, but you need to gain some clarity. This is not the end. You can still salvage this and have the future you want with him but it’s not going to happen until you take a step back and listen to some effective advice.
It’s hard to see beyond the pain you’re in today but I want you to do something right now. I want you to stop thinking about the fact that the two of you broke up and instead focus on what it will be like a month, six months or a year from now when you two are happily back together. Imagine how nice it will feel to be held by your ex boyfriend again and to hear him tell you that he loves you and will never leave. That’s the image that you need to keep focused on. If you can do that, you’ll be able to pull your emotions together and find a clearer path towards understanding what you need to do now.
Trying to convince a man to take you back when he feels grateful that the relationship is over is an exercise in futile frustration. There’s a period of time after a break up when the person who did the dumping feels a type of liberating justice. They feel that they’re free and they envision a life filled with new and wonderful experiences and a relationship on the horizon that will fulfill all their needs. Time has a way of stealing that illusion away and it will do that for your ex boyfriend too. He’s going to discover, as time moves forward, that life without you isn’t what he imagined it to be. Instead of happiness and freedom, he’s going to feel lonely and depressed.
Your focus needs to be on how you’re going to react when he eventually comes back around looking for a relationship again. (He will!) You want to be in such a good and balanced place emotionally that you don’t instantly fall back into his arms. That’s why you need to stop obsessing about the fact that you don’t have him in your life today. You have to think towards the future and that moment when your phone rings and it’s him asking if you’re seeing anyone else.
Men are drawn to strong women. They want the women they choose to spend their lives with to be in control of what she’s feeling. Men don’t enjoy any sort of drama, and that’s certainly the case when they are trying to resurrect a relationship they had a hand in destroying. When he does call you again, don’t jump to see him. Tell him you’re well, busy and that you’ll have some time in a few days. Making him wait shows that you’re not that eager to be his again. His psychological need to have you will kick itself into high gear and he’ll chase after you again endlessly until he does finally catch you.