If we only knew all the varying emotions we’d experience after a break up, we’d do our level best to avoid it. It’s always different for the person who was dumped. Sure, the one who did the dumping must have felt some sort of internal conflict as they weighed whether to end the relationship of not, but the crux of the pain falls on the shoulders of the person who was dumped. In that case, that’s you. I know how it feels and I also know that the emotions that accompany it can feel overwhelming at times. There are days when all you want to do is cry, other days you just want to try and convince him that he’s made a mistake, and at other times, there’s a rush of anger that overtakes you. Being angry with him is natural and healthy. How you express that anger to him is what you need to be mindful of.
Anger is a debilitating emotion. For me, I cycled through periods where I was so mad at my ex boyfriend for dumping me, that I’d write him very long, emotional emails and then send them thinking they would teach him a lesson or give him a window into how devastating his actions had been to me. When he wouldn’t respond, I’d find my rage just burning within me more. Typically during those times, I’d try to call him and he would, rightfully, not answer. Of course, I couldn’t think clearly so I’d leave voicemail messages filled with horrible sentiments all fuelled by my uncontrollable anger.
Each time this happened to me, the anger would dissipate and I’d go back to feeling discarded, alone and sad. One day, I happened to look at my sent email messages and noticed a note I had sent to my ex boyfriend during a bout of rage. It was truly despicable and I saw clearly, in that moment of calm reflection, why he had never responded.
Letting Go Of Anger After a Break Up
Letting go of anger can be a very difficult thing to do. If you’re a person who is naturally very passionate, you’ll likely feel anger and rage at a much deeper level. That’s exactly how I was. Learning to temper it, particularly in terms of my broken relationship, helped me move forward in a more positive and thoughtful way.
My first suggestion if you want to let go of the anger is to express it fully. The key is not to direct it right at your ex boyfriend but channel it through the written word. Open a document on your computer or go the old fashioned route and grab a pen and paper. Now start sharing everything you’re feeling. Make a list of why you’re mad. Write about how rejected you feel and express openly why you feel your ex boyfriend made the wrong choice. Don’t show this document to anyone. It’s your personal anger journal and you’re going to add to it as need be as you work your way through the next few days and weeks.
You must also learn to forgive your ex boyfriend. I realize that right now that may feel like a foreign concept given the emotional turmoil you are in. It’s an important part of the healing process though. I recognize that your ex boyfriend may have made countless promises of commitment and everlasting love and devotion. You have to understand that people change as do their feelings. When he said those things, he likely wasn’t been disingenuous at all, he was being honest. Back then he believed that your future would be spent together. However, something changed for him, and you must face that. Being mad at someone who simply fell out of love with you isn’t fair to either of you. You’ll find inner peace if you work towards forgiveness.
I’m a strong believer in time being one of the most powerful healing agents there are. If you constantly put yourself in a position in which you must interact with your ex boyfriend, you are only pushing your own triggers towards anger and resentment.
The two of you aren’t together anymore so make a clean break. If you’ve already sorted through all your personal belongings, there’s really no purpose for talking with him again. Remove him from your cell phone address book, stop driving by his apartment, and pack up anything that even remotely reminds you of him including gifts and photographs.
You will find that you can heal faster and more effectively if you focus your attention on yourself and the people who bring positive energy to your life. By taking a proactive approach to dealing with your break up anger, you’ll be helping yourself more than anyone else. Look at the break up as one of life’s experiences and take whatever you can from it that will make you a stronger, more desirable and more balanced woman.
Once I worked past the anger I was feeling I realized that I still loved my ex boyfriend deeply. I’ve written more about that here and hope that it will give you some comfort in this emotionally difficult time.