When you’re a woman, like you and I are, men can sometimes become something of a riddle. You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you? Let’s take the case of an ex boyfriend. We’ve all had at least one ex who we couldn’t get over. We’d think about him non-stop, we’d do foolish things like call him up and demand to know why he won’t take us back and we’ve cried hours over him. It’s part of the romantic journey to experience those things but what happens when your ex boyfriend starts sending out a multitude of mixed signals in your direction? If your ex boyfriend is hot and cold, you’ve really got to temper that before you start putting your emotional health at risk. A man like this has all the control over the break up and the subsequent reunion. You don’t want to place your heart and your happiness in his hands. You have to learn how to deal with him in such a way that his wavering back and forth between wanting you and not wanting you doesn’t even phase you anymore.
Before we can delve into what you should be doing to temper his shifting attraction to you, let’s focus for a bit on why he’s acting this way. Not all men do this after a break up, but a surprising number do. We, as the women in love with said ex boyfriend, want to believe that his confusion is caused by his overwhelming love. In our naive minds we believe that he acts hot and cold because he is trying to rein in a heart that is out of control with love and devotion. It’s so romantic, isn’t it? It’s a fairytale though that belongs in a book. This isn’t your reality. He’s not pulling you close and then pushing you away because he cares so deeply for you. He’s playing a sadistic game with your heart and he may not even realize he’s doing it.
Just as we have trouble letting go after a break up, men are the same. The difference is that we don’t want to let go of the illusion that the love we shared with our ex was larger than life and could survive anything. For him, it’s much more about not wanting to be alone and if there’s no one else suitable on his emotional horizon, he’ll come circling back to you looking for you to fulfill his needs until he tires of that again.
That’s a harsh reality that unfortunately you need to accept before you can deal with him in a productive manner. If you want to continue to believe that he’s hot and cold because he’s lost in his conflicting feelings for you, you’ll continue to be hurt when he keeps disappearing after telling you he adores you and can’t live without you. If he truly cared for you to the extent that he professes, he wouldn’t act cold ever. He would be loving, attentive and working hard to ensure the future you two share is much better than the best.
Since he’s not doing that, you’re going to have to put up an emotional barrier that will ward against his hot moods. When he suddenly calls or texts you out of the blue saying he misses you, don’t respond right away. Wait an hour or two and then simply ask how he is in response. Don’t immediately play into his words by telling him you miss him every second of the day.
The same is true if he wants to hang out with you. Tell him that you’ve already made other plans but you can see him in three or four days when you have an opening. If he loved you as much as you want to believe he does, he’ll be happy to wait. If you don’t hear back for weeks, he found someone else to fill in his time.
Your emotional well being has to be your main concern. When a man either knowingly or unknowingly plays hot and cold with you it can open your heart up to even more heartbreak when he decides to go cold and disappear. Take control of your future and don’t make it too easy for him to manipulate you. If he really does care for you, he’ll stop playing games and he’ll get down to the business of rebuilding the relationship you two lost.
It’s hard to know why he won’t just disappear if he doesn’t want you anymore. Understanding the psychology behind what he’s doing will help you learn how to best approach him if you’re indeed serious about getting him back.